chapter 01

vs. 1: When God began to create heaven and earth – End Quote

Now who the hell is this God fellow and what possessed him to embark on such an endeavor. Blowing a wind through the void over the water in the void. And the first thing he does is turn on the light with his saying, “Let there be light.”

That was cool, so he had light and darkness and called it a day. The first one.

The next day, he separated water from water. The water above he called sky and that rapped up the second day.

The next day, God put the water in one area so he’d have some dry land. That he called earth. The gathering of water, he called seas. He was happy with that and covered it all with plants and tress with fruits that had seeds. He liked that and the third day was done.

God wanted light in the sky and to make set times, days and years. So he made two lights. A bright one for day and a not so bright one for night. And he threw in some stars for the night. He thought that was cool. That was day four.

God got real creative and added vs. 20: swarms of living creatures, and birds … great sea monsters … EQ.

A couple things must be mentioned before we go on. To start, God is likely insane. Us. Our. An eternity of being alone in a void and he whips up a universe in 6 days and vs. 27: He created them … EQ male and female. Be fertile. Rule over everything. Everything is for the man. Male and female.

God was really impressed with himself and the things he did. Especially the man creatures.

Well, we’ll see. Sometimes these all in one starter kits aren’t all they claim to be.


chapter 02

It was done. Heaven and Earth six day all inclusive started kit. God was so pleased with him-themselves, he-they took a day off. Put his feet up.

And already we run into problems.

There is no nothing on the earth, no grass on the fields, God forgot to make it rain. And there was no man to till the soil. So he makes a man out of dust. Blows life in him.

God plants a garden in Eden even though just a few days ago everything was baring fruit.

And catch this, he’s lost it. He plants a tree of life with full intention of forbidding his main characters to eat of it. Is God an asshole as well as raving mad.

There is a river and it goes to four places and waters everything. Havilah is where God buried the gold. Second river is Gihon, water the land of Cush. Third is the Tigris, flowing east of Isslar. And the forth is Euphrates.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden. And he says to the man, “Okay, vs. 15: till it and tend it. EQ

Do whatever you want but do not eat from the tree I stuck there in the middle of the garden. Eat of it and you die.

Now God forgot he already made male and female just the week before, likely because he was an idiot but let’s not get too personal. He spent eternity alone and didn’t want the man to do the same. Vs. 18: I will make a fitting helper for him. EQ

So forgetting he had already covered the land and sky with creatures, he formed a bunch more out of the dirt and had the man give them all names.

But Adam didn’t find one helper.

So God comes up with a new plan. He takes a rib out of Adam and makes a woman. Gave it to the man as a present.

And that’s why a man leaves his parents and finds himself a woman.


chapter 03

For you idiots who think the universe was really whipped up in six days, it weren’t. And the serpent was a symbol in older religions. For wisdom and rebirth. Just to let you know.

Vs. 4: “You are not going to die.” EQ.

Many think this makes the serpent a teller of a lie. It don’t. vs. 5: and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad.” Vs. 6 … the tree was desirable as a source of wisdom. EQ.

Well, hang on. Did you catch that.

The source of wisdom. Come readers. Please pay homage to this grand event. Give the serpent some credit. God the one forgetful reckless tyrannical dictator don’t want us, the creatures he made in his image, to have wisdom. Keep us stupid.

Well fuck that.

Vs. 11: Who told you that you were naked? EQ.

The bloody fashion salesmen, that’s who. The lying murdering merchants, that’s who.

Vs. 13: “The serpent duped me, and I ate.” EQ. Thank fuck. And God can go to hell. Cursing the serpent for wisdom. Cursing the woman for wanting it.

Vs. 22: what if he should stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever!” EQ.

Vs. 23: So the Lord God banished him from the garden of Eden. EQ.

God is an asshole. Or a black hole. And he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing. Days after thinking he was so good and already he’s cursing and punishing the man and woman he made in his own image.


chapter 04

Adam, the man, sexed his wife and she had Cain. Thank the Lord. Then Eve had Abel. He was a sheep herder. Cain grew grain.

Cain took an offering to the Lord and so did Abel. Well, the Lord was happy about the offering from Abel and not impressed with Cain.

So Cain was pissed off and took Abel out in the field and murdered him.

“Hey Cain, where’s your brother.”

“How the hell would I know.”

“I saw you murder him so leave the farm and wander the earth.”

“What. Out there in the world someone might kill me.”
Now from where would this someone be.

Just a minor contradiction, so we go on and the Lord tells Cain, he promises him. “If anyone kills you, I’ll kill them seven times.” So Cain went to Nod. That’s east of Eden.

Cain had sex with his wife. Out came Enoch so Cain founded a city and called it Enoch. Enoch had a kid, Irad. Irad had Mehujel and Mehujel had Methusael, who had Lamech.

Lamech took two wives. Adah and Zillah. Adah made Jabel and he made all the tent dwelling folk that hung with the herds. Brother Jubal had all the sons and sons of sons who played the lyre and the pipe. Tubal-cain made things out of iron and copper. His sister was Naamah.

And just to show how friendly God’s family was vs. 23: …

“I have slain a man for wounding me,
And a lad for bruising me.
If Cain is avenged sevenfold
Then Lamech seventy-sevenfold.” EQ.

Adam sexed his wife again and they got Seth. He had Enosh and he said, Oh God.


chapter 05

They tell us Adam lived to be 930, which simply is not true. Either a year was a moon cycle or the whole thing is fiction.

Oh. Now can that be. A fairy tale made holy by tyrannical dictators keeping the masses ignorant so they stay good slaves and soldiers.

Most important in this chapter is that Noah is born and when he was 500 he had Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Noah was to be a liberator from God’s curse.


chapter 06

God’s descendants started sexing up mortals and the Lord put an age cap on. No more living more than 120 years.

The Nephilims were divine and their sons were super heroes.

The Lord was bored with his creation and decided to kill every creature.

Vs. 7: The Lord said, “I will blot out from the earth the men whom I created – men together with beasts, and birds of the sky; for I regret that I made them.” EQ.

Just for the record. The Lord God is a fucked up asshole.

But he liked Noah. Told him to build a boat in the desert.

“You build a boat, I’ll make a flood.”

“Okay God, kill ‘em all, what the fuck.”

So Noah built a 3 decker boat for 300,000,000 different kinds of animals. Species of animals.


chapter 07

The Lord god is an asshole.

He told Noah “Go into the ark.” So Noah did. With family and 2 of everything and 14 of clean animals and birds.

So for you idiots that think such a thing is possible, we are talking several billion animals on a boat. Elephants lizards, lions and bunnies. Never mind all the plants.

And for God to murder all the rest of life on earth, he imported water from the sky and under the ground.

And it rained and God was pleased because he murdered everyone.

Except for Noah and family.

You mother fuckers who teach this shit as real need a good ass kicking.

Tyrannical, whimsical, criminally insane Lord God terror shit. Fuck off.


chapter 08

So the Earth was covered in water 150 days while God was off on his space tripping adventures, then he remembered.

“Oh, shit, I covered the Earth in water. I better blow a wind.”

On the 7th day of the seventh month the boat landed on mount Ararat. In the 10th month, mountain tops could be seen.

After another 40 days, Noah sent a raven out to spread its wings. It didn’t come back. So Noah sent a pigeon. It came back with a leaf.

Another 2 months and 27 days and the land was dry.

Vs. 16: “Come out of the ark …” EQ.

So Noah and family came out with the several billion animals.

Now would anyone care to do the logistics of 14 months of maintaining a floating zoo.

If you come up with, simply impossible, you got it.

So what’s the first thing Noah does. He builds an alter and burns some of every clean animal and every bird.

Because the Lord loves the smell of burnt animals and birds.

“Well, that was fun, but I won’t destroy the whole Earth again. Man can’t help it if he is like I made him.”

Is God an idiot.

Or is the holy bible just a silly fairy tale.


chapter 09

Religion is for illiterate idiots.

God blessed Noah, told him to eat whatever he wanted to. But not the life blood.

Anyone who kills a man will be killed by a man ‘cause they look like Me.

Be fertile, God says that often.

God made a covenant with Noah, who knew nothing of physics.

“I’ll make a rainbow so I don’t forget, for I am so forgetful, that I don’t wipe out the Earth again with floods.”

Noah planted grapes, made wine, got drunk and got naked in his tent.

Ham, the father of Canaan, walked in and saw him.

One might think, so what.

But no, Shem and Japheth walked in backward and covered their dad so he wouldn’t be naked.

Vs. 25: “Cursed be Canaan:
The lowest of slaves
Shall he be to his brothers.” EQ.

I think I understand. The believers of the Bible are saying, “We are fucking insane and will kill anyone for any reason at all and especially if you question the authority of our God. Morons.


chapter 10

This chapter is all about the men descending from men. The clans. The nations.

Vs. 5: ... each with its language – their clans and their nations. EQ.

The first man of note was Nimrod. Vs. 8: … the first man of might on earth. EQ.

His most famous kingdom, Babylon.

Canaan, the cursed, had all the nations that would later be slaughter by Moses and his 600,000 murdering slaves of plunder, rape and genocide. Very holy.


chapter 11

In the last chapter everyone had their own language. In this chapter they all had one.

Just a silly detail.

Vs. 4: … “Come, let us build a city and a tower with its top in the sky…” EQ.

Never mind that with bricks and bitumen such an endeavor is impossible because the weight would crush the bricks.

The Lord didn’t like the idea so he gave everyone different languages: And sent them over the face of the whole earth.

Followers of the lie, awaken, throw off the yoke of belief. For gods sake.

We get men begetting men, mostly names to forget until Nahor begot Terah who beget Abram. Ab’s brother begot Lot, the famous child rapist. Ab’s wife Sarai had no children.

They went and settled in Haran.

chapter 12

Ab’s a pimp.

The Lord told Ab he’d bless him and make him a great famous nation. Bless those who bless him and curse those who curse him.

So off to Canaan, where the Canaanites lived. Ab took his wife Sarai, Lot and a hoard and all his wealth.

Vs.7: “I will assign this land to your offspring.” EQ.

All they gotta do is murder everyone there.

But not yet. First there was famine so Ab went to Egypt and whored his wife out to the Pharaoh.

Vs.13: “Please say you are my sister … “EQ.

The Pharaoh paid Ab with vs. 16: sheep, oxen, asses, male and female slaves, she-asses, and camels. EQ.

Vs. 19: “Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her as my wife? Now, here is your wife, take her and begone!” EQ.

So Ab took his winnings, his whored wife and left. Very holy fellow, this Ab fuck.


chapter 13

Ab took his whored wife and his cattle, silver and gold to return to Bethel where he had built an alter. And he gave the Lord a call.

Lot also had flocks and herds and tents and together it was too much. The herdsmen of Lot were always quarreling with those of Ab.

The land was the land of the Canaanites and Perizzites.

“Let’s not fight among ourselves, Lot, go one direction, I’ll go the other.”

Lot liked the look of the plain of Jordon so he took his herds and flocks that direction. Ab stayed in the land of Canaan.

Lot, he went and pitched his tents next to the city of Sodom. And since they weren’t worshiping Lot’s fickle God, he called them wicked sinners. This is what you do if you plan to murder them all and steal their land.

Lie in the Americas: the natives were called savages because they too failed to worship the god of random law and terror.

Vs. 15: for I give all the land that you see to you and your offspring forever. EQ.

Ab went to Hebron and built another alter.


chapter 14

Now there was war between many Kings, for that is the nature of kingdoms. Murder, rape pillage. It worked out to be 4 kings against 5 kings.

When Sodom and Gomarrah were plundered, the Kings jumped into bitumen pits. Others fled to the hill country. The invaders took everything, including Lot and his crew.

Well, the news got back to Abram the Hebrew, Lot’s uncle. And Ab took 318 of his crew and invaded the invaders and brought back Lot and his crew.

And here we have mention of King Melchizedek of Salem. He was a priest of the holy genocide God and he sang praises to Ab.

Vs. 19: “Blessed be Abram of God Most High
Creator of heaven and earth
And blessed be God Most High
Who had delivered your foes into your hands.” EQ.

And Abram gave him a tent of everything.

The king of Sodom asked Ab for his persons.

Ab swore to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth that the King of Sodom should take everything that was his. So he would not say he made Ab rich.

He still had Sarai to whore out.

Ab did allow that his men take their share of the plunder.


chapter 15

Ab goes megalomaniac on us. Has a vision; in it he complains to the Lord God that Sarai didn’t put out any offspring. What was the use of riches if he ended up leaving it to his steward.

I am the Lord and I will give you this land.

How Lord.

Vs. 8: “Bring Me a three-year­-old heifer, a three-year­-old she goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtle dove, and a young bird.” EQ.

So Ab did. And cut them half in two, so he could read the signs. Voodoo.

He didn’t cut the birds in half.

He chased vultures away as the dead animals baked in the sun. Then he fell asleep and dreamed that his offspring would spend 400 years in slavery before they took over the world.

The Lord told Ab he could have the land of the - vs. 19: Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Pephaim, 21. The Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.” EQ.

Just kill ‘em all.


chapter 16

Sarai still didn’t make any sons so she told Abram, or so they would have us believe, to sex up her slave. Abram took Hagar, the Egyptian, now where did they come from, these Egyptians, as his concubine.

And when she got pregnant, Saria was not pleased. Vs. 5: “The wrong done me is your fault!” EQ.

Well, do with her what you please, Ab told her. So Sarai treated her like shit to remind the Egyptian woman that she was a low life slave.

So Hagar ran away and an angel of the Lord asked vs. 8: “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” EQ.

The angel sent Hagar back to be a good slave and accept her lot. The angel told her she’d have a hoard of offspring.

Ishmael shall be his name.

Vs. 12: He shall be a wild ass of a man;
His hand against everyone,
And everyone’s hand against him; EQ.

So Hagar had a son for Ab.


chapter 17

Almighty God made a covenant with Ab. Vs. 4: … You shall be the father of a multitude of nations. EQ.

An ‘aha’ was stuck in Abram’s name. Abraham. Means father of a multitude. Nations and kings. Holy sperm cult. The Lord gave Ab the land of Canaan.

And this is the deal. Vs. 10: … every male among you shall be circumcised. EQ.

Vs. 12: … at the age of 8 days. EQ.

This includes slaves no matter where they come from. Anyone not circumcised will be - vs. 14: … cut off from his kin; EQ.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but that means killed.

And change Sarai’s name to Sarah, which means princess. Vs. 16: I will give you a son by her. EQ.

Ab laughed, he could not believe it, him thinking he was a hundred and Sarah ninety.

Obviously she wasn’t. For fuck sake.

His name was to be Isaac. Laugh.

God blessed Ishmael and made him father of twelve chieftains.

So Ab cut the foreskin off every male. Ishmael was thirteen, Ab, 99, and the slaves, all ages.


chapter 18

One hot day, Ab looked out of his tent and saw three war Lords. He asked them to stay for a visit and a fine meal was prepared, baked bread and a calf. Some cheese. They sat under a tree and ate.

They asked where Sarah was and told her she would have a son. She laughed. Vs. 15: Sarah lied, saying, “I did not laugh,” … “You did laugh.” EQ.

A fly sat on a piece of meat. A dog barked.

“We have not come only to make Sarah have a son, we are also going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Those uncircumcised sinners.”

The men went down to Sodom and Ab had a chat with the Lord.

Ab wondered if the genocide could be avoided if there were fifty nice people.

"Then I won't destroy the city for the sake of the 50."

"How about 45."

"Okay."

"40."

"Okay."

"35."

"Sure."

"30."

"Yup."

"25."

"Ya Ya."

"20."

"Um."

"15."

"Ah."

"10."

"Okay. We'll settle at 10."

"It's a deal."

But Ab was bullshitting, he wanted Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed so he’d have more grazing land.


chapter 19

Lot was sitting at the gate of Sodom when the two angels of the War Lord came for a visit. He invited them for a feast and insisted that they not spend the night in the town square.

They tell us that every man came to his door demanding they have their way with the men.

And Lot, being such a good man, said no, you can rape my two virgin daughters but not my guests. But no, they didn’t want the virgins to gang bang; they wanted to sodomize the two angels of the war Lord. So the war Lord angels shone light at them.

“Get out of town, Lot. We are going to destroy the city of Sodom. And Gomorrah and everything around it.”

“Oh. I don’t wanna run to the hills.”

His married daughters and their husbands didn’t believe it. No one did. So the angels took Lot, his wife and two virgin daughters with them and sent them to a little town. The changed the name to Zoar.

The Lord rained sulfurous fire on the two cities and everything around them. The Lord liked mass murder. In fact, he was a genocide freak. A demented evil megalomaniac.

Murdering the unborn babies, the little children, the animals. Kill ‘em all; that’s what the Lord did best.

And of course, Lot’s wife turned to salt. That’s added just in case some idiot thinks this story might be true.

Lot went to Zoar but then decided it was too dangerous and went up in the hills to live in a cave to cohabit with his two virgin daughters.

Now, there are many morons on this planet who think that the two virgin daughters got their dad drunk so that they could seduce him and have his babies.

But for you idiots, your humble narrator will explain.

Lot raped his two virgin daughters. Rape and incest. That is what it was in your holy story. If you think being drunk on wine makes rape and children incest okay and holy, get therapy. Morons.

“Oh, but they made their dad drink wine. Over powered him and forced it down his throat.”

“Oh, for sure, little girls are always getting their father’s drunk so they can seduce them.”

“Little girls are evil dirty little sluts. Everyone knows.”

Well, they both had sons, as they usually do in holy stories. The older one Moab, meaning, my dad raped me; he was the father of the Moabites. The younger names her son Ben-ammi, meaning, I was raped by my daddy, the father of the Ammonites.


chapter 20

There may be those who read this chapter who think Sarah didn’t get fucked by Abimelech so it is necessary to do the math to understand. And learn a little about the conduct of kings and other tyrants.

Vs. 16 “I herewith give your brother a thousand pieces of silver; this will serve you as vindication… EQ

This was on top of the sheep and oxen, male and female slaves.

Ab had given her to Abimelech, like he had in chapter 12 to the Pharaoh. Said Sarah was his sister so it was okay to sex her up for the right price. In truth, she was a half sister. Ab and Sarah had the same father.

Incest is okay if you keep it in the family.

This is the point. Abimelech was the father of Isaac. The Lords had been good to Ab for they were all in the family.

What we have is a sperm religion. A war against women and nature.


chapter 21

vs. 1: … and the Lord did for Sarah as He had spoken. 2. Sarah conceived and bore a son… EQ.

Ab circumcised him.

Vs. 7: “Who would have said to Abraham
That Sarah would suckle children!
Yet I have borne a son in his old age.” EQ.

Vs. 10: “Cast out that slave-woman and her son, for the son of the slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.” 11. This matter distressed Abraham greatly, for it concerned a son of his.” EQ.

And perhaps his only son from Sarah. But God told Ab not to worry so Ab gave Hagar a loaf of bread and a skin of water and sent her away.

Less we forget, the kid is 14 years old, Ab cut his foreskin at 13 years of age before Sarah sexed up King Abimelech.

Anyhow, they ran out of water, Hagar left her boy under a tree and cried and God helped her find a well and the boy grew up to be a bowman. Married an Egyptian his mom picked out for him.

Abimelech and Ab swore a truce. Made a pact.

Ab gave him some sheep and oxen; and as proof that Ab dug a well, that famous Beer-sheba one, he gave Abimelech seven ewes.

And there are those who think we are not apes.


chapter 22

Do we attempt to take the Bible literally or struggle to interpret it. Or use it as a character study for the grand mad theater in which we find ourselves.

Vs. 2: “Take your son, your favored one, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering… EQ.

Now how do we deal with this. Burn your son. It seems somewhat insane.

No never, Ab took Isaac, two servants and his ass loaded with wood and went to burn his son. The son that likely wasn’t his son, to burn. Maybe Ab didn’t love Isaac so very much.

So Ab built an alter and laid out the wood.

Vs. 10: And Abraham picked up the knife to slay his son. EQ.

Because God, the grand killing freak, said so.

Maybe we should wonder if this really is the one true God. Maybe it is a mental indisposition. A megalomaniac sickness in the frightened killer ape bumbling about with consciousness.

The Lord called out to Ab before he plunged the knife into Isaac.

Vs 12: Do not raise your hand against the boy, or do anything to him. EQ.

Now that the Lord knew Ab feared God and would do as he was told no matter how mad, like a soldier that is told to shoot women and children and drop bombs on them.

So Ab burnt a ram instead.

And God blessed him.

Vs. 17: I will bestow My blessing upon you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars of heaven and the sands on the seashore; and your descendants shall seize the gates of their foes. EQ. Everyone.

Now if we are to believe this genocide fairy tale, we are talking one very long family feud.

Ab’s brother, Nahor, had eight sons, one being Bethnel, the father of Rebekah. To make it twelve, Nahor also had 4 sons with his concubine.

And if anyone wonders why always 12 sons, it has everything to do with astrology. Everything.

So that we do not forget that we are in a universe. And that a few thousand years after the stories, we notice that the earth is not alone or without influence. And when the age of darkness comes to an end in the spring of 2009 in our present calendar, we can overcome our madness and awaken.


chapter 23

vs. 2: Sarah died in Kiriath – now Hebron – in the land of Canaan; EQ.

Ab was sad and needed a place to bury his sister-wife. Concubine of Kings. Otherwise know as Lords.

Everyone liked Ab ‘cause he was the man who God liked. The very scary God.

Ab wanted a cave and a field and Ephron the Hittite was willing to give it to him. Ab wanted to buy it so it was sold to him for 400 pieces of silver.

A friendly transaction. And the first land Ab owned.

As far as your humble narrator can tell, this chapter tells us nothing. Just a little story.


chapter 24

One of the reasons the Bible is never read by ignorant followers willing to murder children in its name is, it can be tedious.

To say Ab didn’t want Isaac to marry a slave, or as they were called, Canaanites, but a closer cousin, a grand story must be told.

And the short of it is, Ab made his top servant feel his leg and make an oath before sending him with a camel caravan with men and many presents to the well his brother Nahor had. And much praying and praising the Lord before the virgin Rebekah, Isaac’s cousin, came to the well.

He invited himself to spend the night. And the servant told the story again about how he asked the Lord and then there was Rebekah watering his camels.

At Ab’s father’s house.

He told them Isaac was to inherit all the wealth of Ab so how about it, keep it in the family. So we can interbreed and in a few generations we’ll all have countless inherent diseases.

They wanted to keep her for a while but the servant didn’t want no delays. And nor did Rebekah.

So they blessed her.

Vs. 60: “O sister!
May you grow
Into thousands of myriads;
May your offspring seize
The gates of their foes.” EQ.

And murder every last one of them.

When they got back, Isaac took her straight to his mom’s tent and boned her. That made him feel better, having his mom dead and all.


chapter 25

Ab wasn’t dead yet, he took another wife and pumped six sons out of her. Ab willed everything to Isaac but did give out a few things to sons of concubines while he still lived.

When he finally died vs. 9: His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpalah. EQ. Ab paid 400 pieces of silver for it back when Sarah died.

We are reminded again that Ismael had 12 sons and they all were chieftains.

And now we leave him to get on with Isaac.

Rebekah was finally old enough to have children and she had twins.

Esau, a rather hairy red haired fellow and Jacob, a real asshole.

Esau was a hunter. vs. 27: a man of the outdoors; but Jacob was a mild man who stayed in camp. EQ. Isaac loved Esau. Rebekah pampered Jacob.

Vs. 29: Once when Jacob was cooking a stew, Esau came in from the open famished. EQ.

He asked Jacob for some food and his brother said, vs. 31: “First sell me your birthright.” EQ.

Thus did Jacob rob his brother of his birthright.

Now this bit is a very interesting story. Let us see it as a picture so we understand the story of Joseph when we get to it.

Instead of Esau, let us say, hunters and gatherers. Instead of Jacob, let us say, the owners. The world wide shopping mall. The world wide slavery of almost every human and all the rest of life for the luxury of the few, the owners. We call them Kings and Queens, now we call them corporations. Priests and Lawyers.

Or as Jim Morrison sang, “Tied her with fences and dragged her down.”

And this is our several thousands year old story. And if the story is not rewritten and retold, the human race will be done.

And since that would be a waste of 13.7 billion years of evolution, we have no choice. Slavery and holy lies must come to an end.


chapter 26

There was a new famine so Isaac went to Abimelech, his dad. Not everyone knew Abimelech was Isaacs dad. Not many know that Herod was the father of Jesus Christ. In fact, most people don’t understand the story at all. Which would be fine if they didn’t go around saying they believed the fairy tale to be the word of God.

As if God is a narrow minded, self centered winy little bitch of an impotent prick.

Ah, we stray. Isaac told Abimelech the same thing Ab did. Vs. 6: “She is my sister,” EQ.

And this time it was a lie because she was his cousin. But he’d rather whore her out than run the risk of going through life as a poor man.

Abimelech gave him land and Isaac was wealthy in no time. The lord blessed him. Like he does a few rich persons.

God is the mafia.

Abimelech sent Isaac away eventually because Isaac was too big. As in all that he possessed.

Isaac dug wells and there were arguments till he dug a third well. Vs. 25: So he built an alter there. EQ.

Praise be to the Lord.

Then Abimelech came to visit. They swore a treaty like Ab had done with Abimelech. And they had a feast.

In the morning they, Isaac and his dad, well, his sperm father, made an Oath to not kill each other.

When Esau was 40 he took 2 Hittite wives. Isaac and Rebekah didn’t like it.


chapter 27

Isaac was near the end of his life and told Esau to hunt some game and make him a meal so he could bless him.

Rebekah was listening in and conspired with Jacob to steal Esau’s blessing.

Vs. 9: Go to the flock and fetch me two choice kids, EQ.

Vs. 11: “But my brother Esau is a hairy man. EQ.

Vs. 12: I shall appear to him as a trickster and bring upon myself a curse, not a blessing.” EQ.

Vs. 13: “Your curse, my son, be upon me! Just do as I say and go fetch them for me.” EQ.

Rebekah dressed Jacob in Esau’s clothes and put the goat skins of the kids on his neck and hands.

“Hey Dad, it’s me Esau, give me a blessing.”

“That was fast.”

“God helped me.”

God is deception and conniving, then.

Isaac wondered that Jacob sounded like Jacob and asked to smell and touch him.

Vs. 24: “Are you really Esau?” and when he said “I am.” EQ.

He started a religion based on lies and deception. Fraud. So does holy mean criminal.

Isaac gave him the usual, may God give you everything, everyone bow to you and serve you. Curse be those who curse you, blessed those who bless you.

Then he ran off and Esau came in.

“Oh shit, my boy, Jacob just duped you. Too bad.”

“Come Dad, give me some kind of a blessing.”

Vs. 40: Yet by your sword you shall live,
And you shall serve your brother,
But when you grow restive,
You shall break his yoke from your neck.” EQ.

Again we must point out that this is our story. And the sword is our language. The pen. And through exposing of the lie of the one true God dictatorship slave religions, we will free ourselves from the paranoia of the mind virus.

Esau wanted to kill Jacob. So Jacob went away so Esau could cool down. Esau did not forget what his brother did because the world was soon covered in holy lies and grand illusions that poisoned our air, water, earth and language.

Rebekah didn’t want Jacob to marry a native Hittite woman.

Vs. 46: …what good will life be to me? EQ.

Racist, lying bitch.


chapter 28

Isaac then blessed Jacob, told him to marry a cousin or two. Daughters of Laban. Make many babies and nations, my lying deceiving back stabbing son. Just don’t take any Canaanites as wives.

When Esau saw Jacob was getting more blessings and sent to marry cousins and realized Isaac didn’t like Canaanite women for his sons, Esau went to uncle Ishmael and took another wife. Cousin Mahalath.

Vs. 10: Jacob left Bee-sheba, and set out for Haran. EQ.

He picked up a stone, set it down under his head and had his famous stairway to heaven dream.

Vs. 12: Angels of God going up and down on it. EQ.

The Lord told Jacob who he was and that he favored thieving murders so he’d give him everything he promised Ab.

Wow, now ain’t that cool, thought Jacob. If God does what I want, if he gives me a nation, if he kills my enemies for me, I’ll cut him in 10%.

So we must ask, what is that to God. Creator of everything can have 10% of Jacob’s plunder.

This is when we could ask if Jacob is setting up a religious order. The famous prostitutes of war. The holy priests and lawyers.

Gods help us.


chapter 29

He came to the well that Lagan used. And he waited, like Isaac’s servant had, for things to happen. As they often do.

He talked to some men to find out if his uncle was well.

Vs. 6: “Yes, he is, and there is his daughter Rachel, coming with the flock.” EQ.

A shepherdess with the flock of uncle Laban.

Jacob moved in for the kill. He rolled the stone from the well and watered the sheep. He kissed Rachel and told her who he was, broke down and cried in joy. Laban ran out to greet him and kissed him.

Vs. 14: “You are truly my bone and flesh.” EQ.

After a month, Laban asked Jacob to name his price.

Vs. 17: Rachael was shapely and beautiful. EQ.

Vs. 18: “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachael.” 19. Lagan said, “Better that I give her to you than that I should give her to an outsider. Stay with me.” EQ.

So Jacob paid seven years of work for the little girl. Then it was time for the wedding feast.

And Laban gave his dim eyed daughter Leah to Jacob, he fucked her and the next morning he was surprised to see he hadn’t fucked the one he had waited for.

Her maid was Zilpah. She was part of the deal.

Jacob flipped. “I wanna fuck Rachael.”

Laban told him to wait a week and he could have her and her maid Bilhah. And Jacob could work another 7 years.

Vs. 31: The Lord saw that Leah was unloved and he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren. EQ.

Leah had four sons, Reuben, meaning, see a son, hoping Jacob would love her for her work well done. But no. Then Simeon, Levi and Judah. And still Jacob didn’t love her and she stopped making babies.


chapter 30

The Bible can not be taken literally. And it was likely written with that intent. Simply impossible. Why. So that we learn to interpret. To understand impossible and possible.

So that we may learn to understand the words we read.

Even if it takes a few thousand years. What’s a few thousand in a 13.7 billion year young universe.

Nix.

Rachel couldn’t bare not baring children. Sons.

Vs. 1: “Give me children, or I shall die.” EQ.

At the time, women were only possessions of men.

Jacob told her she wasn’t old enough.

“What.”

“Whatever.”

“Well, please fuck my maid.”

Jacob, being a fair man, conceded to fuck Rachel’s maid so she could make sons. Dan and Naphtali.

Well, Leah said, “Fuck my maid too, please.”

Zilpah produced two more sons for Leah. For Jacob. For to be on the way to our holy 12. Gad and Asher. All the names have meanings. If you want them too.

Now comes the story of the mandrakes that Reuben found. Mandrakes are often used by magicians of old for some kind of show. The roots can look a little like a human. But most importantly, they are hallucinogenic. Like magic mushrooms.

Rachel wanted them and told Leah to go fuck Jacob and give her the mandrakes.

So Leah told Jacob he was paid for and God blessed her with her fifth son. Issaher. They fucked some more for the sixth son, Zubulun.

Then she fucked up and had a daughter, Dinah.

Then, finally, God remembered Rachel, opened her womb, and she had Joseph.

The 14 years were up and Jacob wanted to go already.

“Must you go. What must I pay you.”

“Not so much. Just my family and all the sheep and goats with spots and stripes.”

So Laban’s sons took all those kind of sheep and goats and headed for the hills.

Jacob then made the other goats and sheep drink and mate in front of peeled sticks.

This is just an idiot test. If you buy that bit, you truly are an idiot.

That’s vs. 37 onward if you care to check the original Torah of the Tanakh – The Holy Scriptures. Your narrator’s favorite translation by The Jewish Publication Society. A brilliant work. Respect.

Vs. 43: So the man grew exceedingly prosperous, and came to own large flocks, maidservants and menservants, camels and asses. EQ

Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we try to believe.


chapter 31

The sons of Laban figured Jacob for a thief. And Jacob saw that Laban wasn’t too happy either.

He, Jacob, went out in the field to talk to Rachel and Leah.

Vs. 7: your father has cheated me, EQ.

Vs. 9: God has taken away your father’s livestock and given it to me. EQ.

Ah. So God it was.

God told Jacob to go back to the oiled rock where the stairway to heaven had appeared.

Vs. 14: “Have we a share in the inheritance of our father’s house? 15. Surely, he regards us as outsiders, now that he has sold us and has used up our purchase price. 16. Truly, all the wealth that God has taken away from our father belongs to us and to our children. Now then, do just as God has told you.” EQ.
So they jumped on their camels and took all their livestock and all their wealth. And Rachel stole her father’s idols.

They were gone, over the Euphrates, if such a thing is possible, 3 days before anyone noticed.

Then Laban and his crew chased them down.

“What the hell are you up to, you take everything and kidnap my daughters and their children. I could kill you but god said I better not so fair enough but why did you steal my idols.”

No one knew Rachel stole the idols so she hid them on her camel and sat on them and said she was on the rag.

Jacob got indignant about working 20 years when it was often hot and often cold and life was hard.

They finally came to a consensus, oiled a stone and made a meal.

“Okay, it’s all yours with my blessings but you can’t take no more women from nowhere. Just the 4 you got.”

They talked some more ape gibberish then went to sleep in their tents.


chapter 32

Next morning, Laban kissed his sons and daughters and went home to his six goats and 14 sheep.

Jacob feared Esau still wanted to kill him so he sent messengers ahead with a humble message of servitude for ‘My Lord Esau’.

“Tell him I’m really rich.”

Esau was coming with 400 men. Jacob divided up his crew and livestock hoping Esau might not notice and half could escape. Jacob did not know there is no escape from Esau.

He prayed to God and reminded God he could not take over the world if Esau slaughtered him and his women and children.

The next morning he put together his ‘please spare my life’ bribe. 550 animals. Goats, sheep, camels, cattle and asses.

He sent them ahead in the hope of calming Esau’s rage.

That night he fought with himself. Or a stranger with no name. At the end of it, the divine being said.

“No one wants to be called a Jacobite so change your name to Israel.”

Well, Jacob threw out his hip in the all night wrestling match.

So. Well. Obviously the children of Israel don’t eat the thigh muscle that is in the socket of the hip. No more.

Because it makes obvious sense.

For apes learning to be conscious. Idiots.


chapter 33

Esau met Jacob after 20 years. After 5 thousand. Jacob bowed seven times before Esau rushed to fall on his neck and kiss him.

“What’s up. Who are these people.”

“This is my family.”

“What’s with all the gifts you send me.”

“So you forget you wanna kill me.”

“I have enough without your gifts.”

“But you have the face of God.”

“Okay, then I’ll accept your gifts.”

Esau wanted to join Jacob in his pilgrimage back home but Jacob insisted they would be too slow.

“I can assign you some men.”

“No. Don’t bother. You go on ahead.”

Esau took his men and gifts back to Seir. Jacob took a different route and built a house.

Jacob went at last to the city of Shechem in the land of Canaan. Bought a piece of land from the children of Hamor. Made an alter, called it El, God of Israel.


chapter 34

Dinah was out playing with the local girls and got raped by vs. 2: Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite. EQ. He told his dad he wanted to keep her.

Jacob heard the story and waited for his boys to return from the fields. They were outraged. Not only was she raped but by someone outside the family. That was very bad conduct.

Hamor tried convincing Jacob and the boys that they should all be friends and intermarry.

Obviously, he knew nothing about the holy family of sheep herders.

Hamor agreed to pay any bride price.

“Give me the girl. Please.”

“What, so your son can stick his uncircumcised penis in her holy vagina.”

“What.”

“If everyone cuts off their foreskin from their penis, then it’s a deal.”

They decided to go for it. Seemed like a fair deal. What’s a little skin off a few penises compared to the added wealth of the city through the advent of a tribe of sheep and goat herders.

So they did it. The cutting off of the foreskin. Not, however, the intermarrying part.

While all the men and boys of the city were lame with pain, Simeon and Levi walked in at night and killed every male. Put them all to the sword, as they say. Then they plundered the city. Took all the herds and flocks and all their children and widows. Anything and everything.

Jacob told his sons that they might be causing trouble. Other city states were sure to hear the news.

Vs. 31: “Should our sister be treated like a whore?” EQ.

Here we must note that rape does not make a woman a whore; a whore, by definition, is one who receives payment for the use of his or her body for the pleasures of sex. And the raping of a whore is still rape. In case any morons missed that.

And plundering a city and making all the women and children slaves after murdering the men, who in good faith on the agreed treaty cut off their foreskins from their penises for the crime of one man is also, well.

Fucking insane.


chapter 35

God told Jacob to take his plunder and new slaves to Bethel. So Jacob collected all the alien gods and buried them. Told everyone to change his clothes.

Everyone feared the genocide freaks, for some reason unknown to your humble narrator.

In Bethel they built an alter, called the place “The God of Bethal”. That’s were Jacob had talked to god 20 odd years earlier.

Deborah died. Was buried. Who was Deborah.

Jacob was reminded by God to call himself Israel. He didn’t catch it the last time. Was too concerned about not eating hip meat.

And God also reminded Jacob that he was God Almighty. And like so often, and it will be repeated every few chapters until God goes away.

Be fertile. Make a great army.

And Rachael was dying giving birth to the 12th son. Her second.

Vs. 17: “Have no fear, for it is another boy for you.” EQ.

Reuben fucked Bilhah, one of Jacobs concubines, and Israel found out.

And a fly landed on a sheep shit.

Isaac died and Esau and Jacob buried him.

“Eat me, this way, the end.” Jim Morrison


chapter 36

This is all about the descendants of Esau, otherwise known as Edom, most likely because it’s nicer to be an Edomite than an Esauite. Just guessing.

Esau and Jacob had far too many flocks and cattle and servants and slaves and soldiers to live in the same land, so Esau took his clan of clans to Seir. Again.

Esau had a Hittie wife, a Hivite wife and a cousin wife from the slave son of Isaac, Ishmael.

If the names are of interest, check the original. However, just because it is a tedious list of names does not exclude it from the possibility of being fiction.

And if there is any truth in it, it doesn’t matter hundreds of generations later. And one more point, less we forget, even if it was mostly true, it still would not count as holy.

The real that we are now learning through discovery is much more grand. The earth has had humans for more than a million years. And human like creatures for several million years. And before our ancestors were primates, as we still are, they were something else. And before our ancestors walked on the earth, about 600,000,000 years ago, they were, we were, living in the oceans.

And our make up. That which we are, the cells, our every thing about us. It is all very intermarried. Over and over since billions of years. About 99.5% of every human is exactly the same as every other human.

And no, not because we all come from Noah, or all come from Adam. Simply because life is all one thing here on this little planet. Evolving by reincarnating millions and millions and billions of times. Like it likely was in the last universe and the one before that.

Just so you know.


chapter 37

With brother Esau in Seir, Jacob was happy to stay in the cursed company of the Canaanites.

Joseph told his dad that his brothers were bad. So Jacob made Joseph a nice shirt. Wait. Vs. 3: an ornamented tunic. EQ.

So his brothers hated him.

Then Joseph started telling of his dreams.

“I had a dream where I am ruler over all my brothers and they bow to me.”

“What. You wanna rule over us.”

That was a wheat dream, bails of wheat bowing to the one that stands tall. Then he did the astrological dream.

Vs. 9: And this time, the sun, the moon, and eleven stars were bowing to me.” EQ.

Jacob said, “What the fuck. I, your dead mother and 11 brothers bowing to you.”

Just a silly question: how do stars bow.

One day, Jacob told Joseph to go check on his brothers and the flocks. So Joseph went to Hebron and a man said they were in Dothan.

And when his brothers saw Joseph coming to check up on them they conspired to kill him. Naturally.

“We’ll say a savage beast killed him.”
The brothers took off Joseph’s tunic and threw the boy in a pit. With no water. Having decided not to kill him with their hands. Just leave him to starve. But some relatives were passing by, the Ishmaelites. And they had their camels loaded up to sell goods in Egypt.

“Hey, why kill our brother when we can sell him into slavery.”

They got 20 pieces of silver for the young man.

When Reuben went to the pit later to get his brother out, he was befuddled. For he was not aware of the transaction his other brothers had made with the Ismaelites.

They slaughtered a kid and dipped the tunic in its blood. They likely ate the kid. Then they went back to Jacob.

“Hey, Dad, look what we found. You don’t happen to know whose tunic this might be.”

“Oh, a wild beast has eaten my son. I’m a gonna have to wail my way down to Sheol.”

Meanwhile, camera cuts to Egypt where the Midianites had somehow got hold of Joseph from the Ismaelites and sold him to Potiphar, the Pharaoh’s top personal butler.

No mention of a price but likely some profit. And a sore ass for Joseph.


chapter 38

Disconnection. Judah left his family and married a Canaanite, Shua. And had sex. First son Er. Second Onan. Third Shelah. Judah got a wife for Er, Tamar. But the Lord didn’t like Er and put an end to his life. So, as was tradition, the next son must seed her. That was Onan. But their was a clause that said his seed was his dead brother’s and thus Onan would not receive father credit for doing his duty.

So he ejaculated not inside of Tamar but on the bed or the floor or her feet. That pissed off the Lord, so he killed the second son of Judah.

Judah sent Tamar to her dad until Shelah was old enough to seed Tamar. Judah didn’t want his third son dead too.

Later, when Shelah was grown up and Tarar still was not seeded, thus a worthless creature, she saw Judah, her father-in-law, and changed from her widow clothing so that Judah thought she was a harlot and thus naturally offered a kid goat to fuck her. He didn’t have the kid goat with him so he agreed to leave a deposit. Vs. 18: “Your seal and cord, and the staff which you carry.” EQ

Well, she got pregnant then and there.

Vs. 20: Judah sent the kid by his friend the Adullamite, to redeem the pledge from the woman; but he could not find her. EQ.

Vs. 21: “Where is the cult prostitute, the one at Enaim, by the road?” EQ.

Well, weren’t none; so he went back to Judah before everyone laughed at him.

Now this is a good example of our laws that favor men and degrade women. Tamar was with child by her harlotry.

Vs. 24: “… let us burn her.” EQ.

Luckily for Tamar, she still had Judah’s stick and he knew he should have made his third son fuck her.

So this time the woman wasn’t burnt.

Western religion is a mockery. A vile lie.

She had twins. One stuck his hand out, got a red ribbon and went back in to wait for his brother to get out first. And so what.


chapter 39

We are back to the Ishmaelites selling Joseph to Potipher. The Pharaoh’s chief steward. He quickly took a liking to Joseph because Joseph was good at everything he did. And the Lord blessed the whole house. He, Joseph was given charge of everything.

‘Sept, of course, the wife.

Vs. 6: Now Joseph was well built and handsome. EQ.

His master’s wife, who apparently was under sexed, said, vs. 7 “Lie with me.” EQ.

“No I can’t do it.”

Well one day he came into the house and no one was there but the wife of Potipher.

“Fuck me. I tell you to fuck me.”

Vs. 12: She caught hold of him by his garment and said, “Lie with me!” But he left his garment in her hand and got away and fled outside. EQ.

There might be another side to this story, but we will not venture upon it here.

She told the servant he tried to dally with her. And when her man came home she said it again.

Dally means fuck. Or, have sex with.

The Hebrew slave was promptly put in jail.

And the Lord made the jailer like Joseph and put him in charge of the jailhouse.


chapter 40

The King, Pharaoh, was pissed off at his cupbearer and baker one day and tossed them in jail. The same jail where Joseph was in charge.

One of the things one needs to get used to when reading the Torah is that everything, most everything, is said three times in slightly different ways. It was the writing style of the time. True, it makes a book bigger and more intimidating but that was not likely the purpose. The purpose was most likely clarity. To drive home a point.

So we’ll say it again. One of the things. Just kidding.

The cupbearer and the baker had dreams one night. And Joseph told him God could interpret dreams.

The cupbearer had 3 vines, or branches thereof, they blossomed, he squeezed the grapes into the cup of the Pharaoh and he drank. And was pleased enough not to toss him back into jail.

“Well now, then. That’s cool. In three days you get your job back. Mention me to the Pharaoh. I ain’t really supposed to be a slave or in jail.”

Like all slaves and most persons in jail. Especially the victims of the evil war on drugs. In case anyone forgot to wonder why incarceration is such a thriving business. But let us return to the story.

The baker liked the cupbearer’s dream meaning, so he told Joseph his dream about three bread baskets on his head with birds eating out of the top one.

Vs. 19: In three day Pharaoh will lift off your head and impale you upon a pole; and the birds will pick off your flesh.” EQ.

And so it was. Some win. Some lose. Most serve the rich. Murdering mad men.


chapter 41

Let us say something nice about the Torah before mocking the life of Joseph.

At the time of the Torah almost everyone was illiterate. There was no TV or radio. No printed books. And reality was brutal slavery to tyrannical mad men who gave themselves grand titles such as Lords, Kings, Priests.

And these stories, though quite impossible, tell of the nature of the beast. Ignorant. Gully bulls.

So the stories have to be simple and exaggerated. Like a child’s fairy tale. For them to be at all understood. The bible is not for children, too much rape, incest, genocide and all the other vile shit we are slowly and painfully purging from our system.

On our road to enlightenment.

So if you think the Torah is too simple, thank your teachers.

Any whore. After two years, the Pharaoh dreams about 7 strong cows coming out of the Nile and behind them come 7 ugly skinny cows that eat the first cows.

Then the same math with corn.

And the cupbearer remembers the Hebrew youth in jail.

Vs. 14: He had his hair cut and changed his clothes, and he appeared before Pharaoh. EQ.

Joseph told him God would figure out his dreams.

So we are told them again. Twice more. No one could figure.

“Seven years of plenty. Seven years of famine.”

Now this is a grand opportunity to rob everyone down to his g-strings. Just watch and learn.

Vs. 39: So Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has made all this known to you, there is none so discerning and wise as you. EQ.

Let me interrupt just to point out that it is very probable that this story was written by Hebrew priests. Also possible is that it was put together in Babylon, the grand state of Nimrod. As propaganda against Egypt.

Vs. 41: “See, I put you in charge of all the land of Egypt.” EQ.

And vs. 45: he gave him a wife Asenath daughter of Poti-phera, priest of On. EQ.

Not bad considering he was a slave and two years in jail.

Joseph filled the cities with grain. So much that it could not be measured.

Before the famine came, Joseph had two sons. Manasseh and Ephraim. Loosely translated to: Eat this sucker.

The people cried out to the Pharaoh. And he said, “Don’t ask me. Do what Joseph tells you.”

Now watch what our Hebrew boy does. He rations out grain for Egypt but the whole world is in famine.

The whole world, of course, does not include the Americas. Or Europe. Or China. Or Australia. At the time, these places were not in the world.


chapter 42

Jacob bitched at his sons and told them to get their asses on their asses and buy some rations in Egypt.

Jacob didn’t send Benjie ‘cause he loved him ‘cause he came from Rachel, the only one of the four women he liked.

Joseph was the vizier. The ration boss. Dictator. So the ten brothers had to bow to him. With their faces on the ground. Joseph recognized them but they didn’t recognize him.

Vs. 9: “You are spices…” EQ.

Vs. 11: … we are honest men…” EQ.

They told their story. And Joseph repeated a few times. “You are spies.”

Joseph tied up Simeon after they had all spent 3 days in a dungeon. And let the others go back to get Benjie. Or die.

They all got rations and their money returned to their bags. And they thought God was fucking with them when they found the moneybags. Punishment for selling Joseph out of the death pit into slavery.

Jacob flipped when he heard the story.

Vs. 36: … “It is always me that you bereave: Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you would take away Benjamen. These things always happen to me!” EQ.

Always. Except for never before when he was taking plunder and slaves from a slaughtered city or, well, whatever. It is just a story.

Vs. 37: Then Reuben said to his father, “You may kill my two sons if I do not bring him back to you.” EQ.

Now that makes sense doesn’t it.

Jacob wines a little more like a little bitch.


chapter 43

The famine continued and Jacob’s family was without bread again.

“Go get some grain in Egypt.”

“We can’t go back without Benjie.”

“Why did you have to tell them about Benjie.”

“The man asked so many questions.”

Judah told his dad he would take responsibility for Benjie and should he not return vs. 9: … I shall stand guilty before you forever.” EQ.

So Israel said to take presents vs. 11: - some balm and some honey, gum, ladanum, pistachio nuts, and almonds. EQ.

And twice as much money. May El Shaddai have mercy toward you.

So off they went to see Joseph. Joseph saw Benjie and ordered up a meal for lunch time. At his house. They were all scared, thinking they’d be all slaves and told the house steward about the returned moneybags.

“No. We aren’t missing any money.”

At noon time Joseph came in and the brothers all bowed to him.

“How’s your dad.”

Joseph, seeing Benjie, had to go to another room for a cry then they came back for the meal. The Hebrews, of course, at a separate table because they are abhorrent to Egyptians.

Benjie got about 5 times as much food as anyone else.


chapter 44

Joseph planned to torture his brothers a little longer. Wallow in his power.

So their bags were all stuffed with food and Benjie’s also contained Joseph’s silver goblet. And off they went.

They were chased down.

“You wicked evil thieves. You are treated good and you steal Lord Joseph’s divination goblet.”

“No way. If you find it, kill the one who stole it. Make the rest of us slaves.”

“Nah, just one slave.”

So they find the goblet and they all return to Joseph.

Vs. 15: Do you not know that a man like me practices divination?” EQ.

“You are a sorcerer.”

“I’ll keep the thief as a slave. The rest may go.”

Judah begged and pleaded to his Lord. Overlord. “But our dad will die of sorrow. He only loves him and his dead brother. I can not go back to him without his youngest son from his wife whom he loved. The rest were only baby makers for him. Keep me as a slave. Let the boy go. I beg you, Lord. Have mercy.”


chapter 45

Well, the torture game had been drawn out long enough. Joseph sent his attendants out and started sobbing so that the Egyptians could hear and they told the Pharaoh.

“It’s me. Joseph. God sent me here to make me ruler over all the land of Egypt. It wasn’t no never that you sold me as a slave. I am the Lord of the land and will get your families through the next 5 years of famine in fine style. Go back and bring Dad here.”

Vs. 16: The news reached Pharaoh’s palace: “Joseph’s brothers have come.” EQ.

“Well give them wagons to bring them all down. We’ll make them all fucking rich.”

They gave them new clothes, Benjie a whole wardrobe and 300 pieces of silver, packed the asses with provisions.

Vs. 24: As he sent his brothers off on their way, he told them, “Do not be quarrelsome on the way.” EQ.

When they told Jacob the news, he didn’t believe it, so they told him several times.

Vs. 28: “Enough”” said Israel. “My son Joseph is still alive! I must go and see him before I die.” EQ.


chapter 46

So Israel set off on his way, stopping off at Beer-sheba to offer sacrifices to the God of Isaac. His dad.

Vs 2: “Jacob! Jacob!” He answered, “Here.” EQ. Like roll call in school.

I am God. Don’t fear. Joseph will watch you die.

So Jacob set out from Beer-sheba with his family, wealth and livestock. Reuben’s sons and his whole brothers and their son’s and Dinah and Jacob were 33.

Those were from Leah. And those from Zilpah numbered 16.

From Rachael 14. And her maid Bilhah 7 and counting Joseph and his family and Jacob, they were 70 persons.

It is probable that they also brought their many slaves; it is not said. But when they are slaves in the next book, they have many slaves.

And Joseph went out in his chariot to meet them.

Vs. 30: Then Israel said to Joseph, “Now I can die, having seen for myself that you are still alive.” EQ.

“When the Pharaoh asks what’s your occupation, say breeders of livestock.”

Vs. 34: “… For all shepherds are abhorrent to Egyptians.” EQ.

And every Auslander knows it is nice to be abhorrent. Keeps you on your toes.


chapter 47

Joseph told the Pharaoh that the 66 and their flocks had arrived and the Pharaoh said, “Well, shit, give them the best land. Maybe they can look after my flocks and herd as well.”

Joseph took Jacob to see the Pharaoh.

“How old are you.”

“My travels here on earth are to date 130 years, nothing compared to my great ancestors.”

“That’s nice.”

So Jacob went to the region of Rameses and ate much bread.

Now watch closely here as we explain the process of ownership and worldwide slavery.

“We have no more money, and yet we are hungry.”

“Give me your livestock.”

And the next year they came to Joseph and he said, “Give me your land.”

Vs. 20: So Joseph gained possession of all the farm land of Egypt for Pharaoh, EQ.

Vs. 22: Only the land of the priests he did not take over, EQ.

So Joseph told the people, you can now seed the land and pay 20% tax to the Pharaoh.

Vs. 26: And Joseph made it into a land law in Egypt, which is still valid, that a fifth should be Pharaoh’s; only the land of the priests did not become Pharaoh’s. 27. Thus Israel settled in the country of Egypt, in the region of Goshen; they acquired holdings in it, and were fertile and increased greatly. EQ.

17 years later, Jacob was about 147. It was time for Israel to die.

So they did the hand under leg ritual and Joseph swore to bury Israel with his fathers.


chapter 48

Jacob does the blessing for Joseph’s sons.

Vs. 5: Now, your two sons, who were born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you in Egypt, shall be mine; Ephraim and Manasseh shall be mine… EQ.

My question is, your narrator, how many different persons, men, priests, wrote Genesis. I ask this question based on the many style changes.

Anyway, Jacob told them some shit while he crossed his arms the wrong way and held the boys’ heads.

Bla bla bla God bla bla Abraham and Isaac.

Vs. 16: And may they be teeming multitudes upon the earth.” EQ.

“Why you bless them backwards.”

“I wanna. It reminds me how I robbed my brother.” Jacob told Joseph he could have the mountainside he killed some Amorites for.


chapter 49

It was also necessary to bless the sons of Jacob.

"Come here and let me tell you what you each get.

So listen up, sons of Jacob
Listen to Israel, your dad.

Reuben, I had you first
You are a strong guy, fruit of my work.
Top of the lot are you
As fickle as water, however,
I say you are a loser,
'Cause you weren't good in my bed,
Sexing up my concubine.
You are disgraceful.

Simeon and Levi are a team of boneheads
They make chaos with their weapons
I don't want to have anything
To do with them.

When they are pissed off,
They slaughter whole cities
When happy with themselves
They cut up oxen
Fuck the both of them
With their lawless anger and wrath.
I'll split them up in Jacob
Scatter them around Israel.

Judah, you'll be praised
Everyone looking up to you
The king of the beasts
Hang around with lions
Everyone will think you are cool
Wash your clothes in wine
You have dark eyes and nice white teeth.

Zebulum go live by the sea
Make some ships.

Issachar is an ass but a nice one
He ain't afraid to work and get rich.

Dan, you're a snake by the road
Biting at their heels, messing them up good.

Gad will get raided and raid back at their heels
Asher's breed will be rich.

Naphtahi is a buck
He’ll conceive many when he fucks.

Joseph is a wild ass.
God's on your side for certain
You enemies don’t stand a chance
Heaven shines on you

Benjamin is a wolf and eats his enemy.

So there were the twelve tribes of Jacob, better known as Israel. After he told them how everything was to be, he died and got buried at the place with his fathers.


chapter 50

Joseph cried on his dad's head then had him embalmed. 40 days it took. The Egyptians cried 70 days then Joseph got permission from the Pharaoh to go bury him, his dad, up in Canaan.

Hoards of officials and dignitaries and family all went along and had a seven-day weeping party. They also did some important things like naming of things before they went on back over the Jordan to Egypt.

Of course his brothers got nervous thinking Joseph might still be pissed at them. They told them Jacob said not to be. Even though he didn’t. But Joseph wasn't pissed. He was a wealthy man with a nation of slaves. What could be better.

"Had you loved me, we would have all been poor and hungry and not got to be the wealthiest family in all of Egypt, next to the Pharaoh who isn’t even in the picture."

Joseph died later, when he was old, and made his brothers promise to take him home back to the promise land when it was time.

They embalmed him and put him in a coffin in Egypt.

exodus